It is beyond any sane person’s bedtime right now. The dill filled potato salad I had for dinner was supposed to send me into a blissful, worry-free coma and yet here I am…
Tomorrow I have what I think is a celebratory lunch with a future (maybe) employer. Should I be ecstatic? Part of me feels like it is a validation of my talents and winning personality 😉 When I read the job description for this position I was able to mentally check off each item and felt absolutely confident that I could tackle this job. I applied on a whim, as a financial back up and safety net… but here I am… have to make a very active choice about what direction I will head. What direction our family will head, for this choice I make impacts all of us. When I first started this blog I was in the middle of asking this same question!
It seems ridiculous to consider turning it down…. And yet, my heart is aching because I have spent so many years and spare moments trying to reach this place in my mothering journey for which there is no award, salary, title or real measure of accomplishment.
This is where my heart is.
Mothering is what I have spent almost all of my spare moments trying to perfect and yet the job description and the attributes required are so nebulous that from moment to moment I can change from feeling like I have it figured out to wondering why God entrusted me with these dear ones.
I imagine my three kiddos sitting around an interview table. I am there to account for my accomplishments and qualifications and feel like I am coming up short every time. For every lovely lullaby, storybook and nature hike there are harsh words, opportunities missed and one very imperfect mama.
Why does God give us a work to do that seems impossible and yet is the most important work of all? Why entrust these (mostly) angelic beings to a woman who consistently falls short?
These are the thoughts that keep me up tonight.
One answer I have received…
Because he must! For our sake and for the sake of our children- We are called to this work not because we are perfect but BECAUSE WE ARE NOT. Our broken, bruised and open aching hearts are being shaped and molded into what he knows we can become. Our children were not sent here to be coddled and shielded by perfect, flawless angelic beings. How would the learning and soul stretching take place? We are called to walk this road together. Hand in hand with our spouses and children as imperfect souls all growing together. This truth is hard for me to accept.
So the question I am pondering is how will my journey and our family’s journey be impacted by my decision to work or not work outside of the home. Do I choose a job that is “perfect” for me over the “calling” that I know I was sent here to do. Can I do both? Do I want to?
I know that it is not a coincidence that this choice is right before on the Solstice- it is a very real marker in the year of changes and new beginnings.
We have made so many BIG choices and changes already this year. We have really had to put our faith in God and in his plan for us. Perhaps I hoped that by making that one terrifying, life-changing choice that everything else would fall into place. If anything this one decision has splintered into so many other opportunities to truly be conscious about our life here.
I finally exhausted enough to fall asleep and hopefully there is someone out there who is going though a similar experience. Otherwise, this blog provides some cheap therapy 😉
I am leaving you with the beautiful quote as shared in the talk “Behold Thy Mother”….
“How is it that a human being can love a child so deeply that you willingly give up a major portion of your freedom for it? How can mortal love be so strong that you voluntarily subject yourself to responsibility, vulnerability, anxiety, and heartache and just keep coming back for more of the same? What kind of mortal love can make you feel, once you have a child, that your life is never, ever your own again? Maternal love has to be divine. There is no other explanation for it. What mothers do is an essential element of Christ’s work. Knowing that should be enough to tell us the impact of such love will range between unbearable and transcendent, over and over again, until with the safety and salvation of the very last child on earth, we can [then] say with Jesus, ‘[Father!] I have finished the work which thou gavest me to do.’11 ”
-From Jeffrey R Holland’s talk Behold Thy Mother